Babbling About Why Asking "Why" Doesn't Make You Weak, It Makes You Human

So today's episode is not just a rant , it's not just another story , but kind of a real raw , honest question that I think a lot of us do ask ourselves but maybe are afraid to ask out loud or ask another person . And that is like why can't I just ask you why ? I'm a why person ?

I mentioned that several times on this podcast and sometimes I just want to know the answer why . And I know Mingyu has been on here and she's , you know , therapized and she has life coached us all saying that sometimes we just don't know the answer why and sometimes we won't ever get that answer why . But sometimes you just want to know why .

And to me , asking why can be normal , but I know like in society it's not considered normal to ask people questions or it's often labeled as like quote , unquote emotional , crazy or desperate . So that's what we're going to get into today . Let's talk about it

all right . So thank you all for , you know , bearing with me through these kind of relationship emotional topics .

Um , it's just kind of what's in the forefront of my thought processing right now and sometimes when I try to do this solo , you know y y'all just hang in there , but I do get a lot of feedback and y'all are so sweet and so supportive in the DMs talking about relationship stuff , just because I sometimes feel like I'm weird when it comes to relationships or

quote unquote situationships , because we all know I'm definitely not a relationship expert . I'm definitely a situation ship expert in this stage of life . But honestly , to nobody's fault but my own , I've had to , you know , work through some therapy , some life coaching , to understand why I keep picking emotionally unavailable men .

And I think it's mostly because I may be a little emotionally unavailable myself . But also , like , as we get older I think I just get set in my way . So it just it just becomes harder to date because I'm I am getting closer to 40 . So it's just getting harder to like not have things the way that I want them .

I mean , I'm obviously okay with change and well , I don't know if I should say that . But going back to the intro to this , like I know me and me and you last week talked about why X has come back and , like you know , I talked to her about closure and she's , you know , very big on .

You have to give yourself closure and I do believe that I used to think that people , you know , should give you closure . But closure , but obviously we have to give it to ourselves , because sometimes we're not going to know why things ended and sometimes it's just not meant to be .

And you know , the universe does have something out there better , and maybe in the moment we don't think that there is , but when that something better comes along , we're like oh , this is why it didn't work out .

But for me and I'm not talking about just romantic relationships , I'm talking about like in friendships , maybe when friendships end , or you know , or there's things like I sometimes just have questions like my mind just circles . So I know I'm often like well , why , why did that happen ? Why did this happen ? And we've always been taught to play it cool .

You know , we live in this culture , especially as women . I know some men listen to this , but mostly women . Um , we're told that the minute you ask for clarity or the minute you show any softness or confusion , we're then quote unquote lost .

You know we're told to act like you don't care , be unbothered , don't send that double text , never let them see you sweat or match their energy is another one that you hear a lot .

But here's the thing for me I get tired of pretending that I don't care when I do , and I get tired of letting you know people , whether it be you know romantic relationships or friendships or you know just in general in the world , like walk in and out of my life like it's a revolving door , and being expected to never question like why ?

Why , you know why , why is this happening ? If I'm such a good person or such a good friend or friend or you know , such a good girlfriend to you , then why didn't you stay ? And you know the answer sometimes is an answer in itself .

When you don't get a question , um , you know obviously , but sometimes you just want clarity and I'm sure everyone can relate that . That thought pops in our head , like why you know ? And I'll just give a few examples like I know , like I talk to my girlfriends and stuff , and there it seems to be a common theme with women .

Like for whatever reason , women go straight to our looks like we're , like was I not pretty enough ? Was I not thin enough ? Was I not thick enough ?

Was I not , you know , voluptuous enough , like we go immediately to that , like fortunately for me that hasn't happened in a long time because because I have healed a lot of that self validation or not self validation , but like seeking validation from external sources , which is a whole nother podcast for a whole nother day , which that does give me an idea to do

one with me and you . But a lot of it for me is just like just trying to stay true to who I am , because at the end of the day , I do care about people that walk in and out of my life and it's really hard for me .

And again , that goes back to like a lot of childhood abandonment where you know I , you know , you know my father wasn't there and then you know my mom had to take care of my sister a lot because she was in a lot of trouble most of the time , and so it was just like it's mostly like a well , I guess it still is external validation .

Sometimes , when I do these solo podcasts , it's almost like a therapy session to me , because when you're talking out loud you're just kind of like and obviously I have headphones on , I'm listening to myself talk , then it's just getting all that energy out .

But anyways , so I guess it still is that external validation , because you still are seeking clarity from an external source versus yourself , when sometimes that is the answer . But to stick with this topic of why , isn't it okay to ask why it's just easier sometimes to use a romantic relationship as an example

? Just because it's one that I think universally people can relate to , because some people don't care if family walks in and out of their lives and some people don't care if friendships walk in and out of their lives . But for whatever reason , when it's a romantic relationship coming in and out of your life , it seems to sting a little bit different .

Not saying that friendship breakups aren't as hard , because sometimes I think they are harder , but I think it's just universally , like people understand the thought process behind it . But for me , like asking why and asking for clarity , isn't always about trying to get someone back . It's not about begging , it's not about rekindling anything .

For me it's about understanding , mostly for growth , like I take it as a you know , growing experience , like where could I have changed here ? What did I do wrong here ? It's not that I'm trying to blame the other person . Well , sometimes you know , there are just situations where you can .

But I'm just saying , like when it was like a mutual thing or like things just didn't go the way you hoped for , like sometimes it's like a growing , you know experience , like asking for clarity and like where I could have grown as a person so that I maybe don't do it in the next relationship that I get into .

But for me it's about the people who make promises and who share moments and who look you in the eyes and make you feel safe , only to vanish and maybe switch it up a little bit . Or you know the whole saying it's not you , it's me , or they don't say anything at all .

So it's those conversations when you've reached out and you've asked and you just don't get a response , or you don't get the clarity , or maybe you get a very vague or like just a very vague answer , if you will , you know . So I did some research on this and the psychology , like I wanted to look up the psychology behind it .

So here's the frustrating part about the psychology behind it Half the time the people that you're asking you know why for clarity sometimes they didn't don't even have a real answer and they don't know why that they did what they did .

Or maybe they don't know why they hurt you , maybe they were selfish , or maybe they were scared , or maybe it was just that they were emotionally unavailable at the time . But instead of them processing that , they avoided it , like me . And me and you talked last week about you know the avoidant behavior .

You know , because avoiding things can be easier than being accountable . Or , you know , like taking yourself and saying here's where I messed up . Like having that honest conversation back and forth means that someone else is going to have to listen to what they also did .

And sometimes people aren't ready for that and I , maybe I am different in the fact that , like , I want someone to tell me if I've messed up in a way and I can take criticism and I can handle conflict . Um , people tell me that all the time .

It's not that I love it , it's not that I enjoy it , but I can handle it because I don't take it all the way to heart .

Now , sometimes I do like if someone I , you know , extremely value and care about , says something , you know I'm going to take it to heart , but also , at the same time , I try not to take it personal and I try to understand that it's more constructive than you know . Just criticizing so that I can grow as a person and become a better person every day .

But going back to the psychology behind it , this is what I found in

my research . So don't shoot the messenger . But a lot of people were saying online that men are rarely asked to reflect on things or they're rarely called out , and when they are called out like when men are called out a lot of times , they spin it back on you . So it's you often get . Why are you so dramatic ? Stop being crazy , you know .

And so there's a big difference when you're asking for clarity and someone does . You know that's where gaslighting comes in , and not to use like a buzzword or anything like that , like that . But that is sometimes what happens . So I think people get afraid to ask why ? Because you want to .

You know , look like the quote unquote cool girl , like you're unbothered . You know that's what you know the culture is telling us to do and it , honestly , is just a culture trap .

You know we have been brainwashed into thinking that the quote unquote cool girl is the one who wins in the end and the one who doesn't care , the one who doesn't ask questions and the one who lets him come and go without ever demanding any explanation is , you know quote unquote the cool girl , the unbothered person .

And a lot of times there's , you know , there's , all kinds of sayings . There's a saying that says who cares , the one who cares less , wins . Because they're not emotionally involved . They're not emotionally , you know , wound up in the thought process or asking questions or , you know , stuck in that mind trap . But here's the honest truth .

You know that quote unquote cool girl suffers in silence . And I'm not saying everybody . I know I do have some friends that really are unbothered and sometimes I strive to be that way . But I think that I come off as a very unbothered person based on what I show , maybe on social media , or maybe how I am externally towards people that don't really know me .

But the honest truth is is I'm actually a very emotional person and I , you know , get deep in thought a lot and maybe that's where I go wrong . So , going back to you know , for me I feel like that quote unquote girl suffers in silence sometimes , because it's almost like we make excuses for other people or we cry behind closed doors .

You know we journal instead of confronts . Or you know you get cheated on but then still pretend you're above it , like those are just some examples , but I don't strive to be like that .

Like I know , like when I talk to my friends about it , they're always like don't , don't show any emotion , don't do that , but like , honestly , I just have to stay true to myself because that's who I am and I feel so unauthentic when I act , like I'm unbothered .

So I feel like we should normalize , normalize , send , like sending texts and questions like you know . For example , like maybe a text that says hey , I'm not trying to fight , I just need some honesty . Can you give me some clarity ? Let's talk about the situation .

I'm just saying like let's normalize direct conversations instead of having to decode like a text or an Instagram story or social media or second guessing every look , every like , every heart , fire , emoji , whatever . You know the silence as well . Like , because sometimes we mean you says this all the time .

Like we make stories up in our head and I have said this and I live by this . If , if someone can't give me a direct and honest answer back to a question that I've asked , then don't get mad at me for the story that I portray in my head . Because if I need that story for closure , then that's what I'm , you know , going to do .

And for me , if someone can't answer that question , when you , you know , asked a very , I feel , like a mature , grown up question or tried to have a mature , grown up conversation for healing and closure , then that's not that really says more about their character than yours .

Like , if someone gets defensive , cold , dismissive or even mocks you or gaslights you for asking a clear , you know a clarity question , then honestly , like I've said kind of throughout this podcast , that is an answer in itself and that shows you their character .

Because if someone really truly cared , even if it didn't work out between you and again I'm using the romantic example , you know , at

least they could respect you and your feelings enough to give you honesty , to give you clarity , to help you close that chapter and close that door and move on . And that can go for same in friendships , like , if you have a friendship breakup and you want to , you know , sit down and talk about it , then that just says more Cause to me . It's about respect .

At the end of the day , if you respect me and you truly cared , then you would , you know , give me that closure and um clarity that I'm , you know , seeking .

But again , I know that you have to give it to yourself , um , and I know that if someone doesn't there's , you know , obviously , you know options like block him , delete the number , grieve , mourn , you know , mourn what you thought it was .

But at the end of the day , don't shame yourself for asking the question , don't shame yourself for caring , and don't ever believe that your desire for clarity makes you weak , because in my opinion , it actually makes you strong . So I'm kind of going to just end it there with this final thought .

So , if you've been holding on to a question , if you've been rehearsing the text in your head or maybe in your notepad or your journal , if you've been feeling like you're crazy for just wanting to understand , I do not think you're crazy .

I think you're just someone who loved with intention and someone who showed up with honesty , and someone who deserves that same energy in return . And so I say send the message . But I know all my friends listening to this are like , no , don't do that , but honest .

But if you're going to do it , it has to come from a place where you're strong enough to handle the silence or strong enough to handle not receiving the clarity or the truth that you wanted . And obviously you know , guys , I'm not a therapist , I'm not a life coach , so just take my advice with a grain of salt .

Like , don't be sending text messages and getting you know in heated debates and messy conversations and then coming back and blaming me , because that's not what we're here for either . I'm talking about , like a respectful , mature , grown up conversation

that you're ready to have , but also both parties have to be ready to have it . You know , you can't force conversation on people that are not ready for conversation . So yeah , that's all I really wanted to say . So if this episode resonated with you , obviously I would love it .

If you would share it with a friend , share it on social media , tag me , tell a friend who may be in the same place of confusion or maybe they're going through a heartbreak . So , yeah , until next time , guys . Bye , thank you .